This ain't upbeat by a long shot....

i feel like getting stoned. really, really, STONED. it's been that kind of week. or day, or whatever. i dunno. i don't care, really. i'm just really depressed right now and it feels like my life got stuck in a rut and there's nothing i can do about it except roll over and die. i'm angry. and sad. i've hurt people, people've hurt me, and i'm trying to make sense of this mess. i don't think i have anyone to talk to right now, so before i freak out or do myself or someone some damage, i'm retreating and sounding off. since the internet is a big, anonymous place, i feel safe in my anonymity here. you don't know and probably don't care, and since i'm not writing for anyone in particular, i can forget about being socially correct and just say how i feel. i don't expect you to understand. you have your own problems, don't you? doesn't everyone? but maybe you do understand. maybe if i tell you five minutes ago i wondered why i was still living and what i could do to change that, you just might find some hope to give it one more shot. and then maybe my rant won't be just a rant after all.