Thursday, August 30, 2012

Dear God, it hurts!

You know what. You know how. You know when. I feel like You put me in a bulls-eye and have used me for target practice. And praising You right now is the hardest thing I've done. I still want to break down and cry. Like last night. And right now. And I've tried to suppress the pain. But it hurts. Dad says I should "be strong". I said I'm okay. But I still weep inside.

I'd like You to take the pain away. To turn back the hands of time. But right now, this moment is all I have. All I have is broken praise. Would You please accept it? It's somewhat difficult remembering You love me right now. And that You said You'd never leave or forsake me. You said to rejoice, but it feels like I can hardly lift my hands, let alone dance. You asked that I give thanks, but even talking is work.

Here goes. Thank You for life. The real kind and the ordinary kind. Thank You for the sacrifice that made the first possible. Thank You for the chance to experience the good that causes the pain to seem more painful. It's painful because there was a beauty and a goodness to be contrasted with. Thank You for the boys. Thank You for the job. Thank You for family. Thank You for true friends, though few and far between they may seem. Thank You for yesterday. Somehow, I made it through yesterday, and didn't have to lean on a crutch (It was really close, though, but thank You).

Thank You for meals. Thank You for health. Some people don't even have that. Thank You that the office airconditioner has reverted to usual — I don't have to keep shivering and it's not a distraction (well, until it gets fixed, but I'm glad I don't have to put up with it for now). Thank You for hearing of great things You're doing: it means You're around, and though it feels like it's taking forever for You to get to me, You will get to me. Thank You for the two who got positions. Thank You for things working out even though I was away for a while.

Thank You for today. Based on my past experiences, I'm wary of trusting and expecting for good to happen, but I'll do it anyway. It's just today. And if all I do is get through today, thank You in advance. That alone is a seed of hope for tomorrow.