Wednesday, November 25, 2009


This might be my last blog post for the duration of the NCCF national
conference. Got to the 'hostel' & it doesn't seem that I might be able
to charge my phone easily here.
Have been procrastinating about calling my dad. I'm not really sure I
told him about the conference, and calling him now that I'm in Jos
seems...rude. I still need to make that call though, uncomfortable as
it might be.
As many things involving group action & somewhat poor planning, it was
tiresome. I gave up my sleep only to discover it was unnecessary. We
left Tsafe for Gusau almost two hours late, and Gusau over 3 hours
later than scheduled. One good thing is that I finally got to see the
NCCF Zamfara family house. I'm glad I wasn't posted to Gusau. I might
have had to stay there & I found some of the house rules there
restrictive. Some things I'm glad about though. Yesterday when the
batch C corps members passed out of camp, a vehicle carrying some of
them to Gusau had an accident, and one of them died. This became the
choice topic of discussion - a poor choice of pre-journey conversation
topics. The state 'Uncle' took charge & talked about not letting fear
The trip to Jos took about 7 hours including stoppage time. There's a
part of the road where we got covered in dust - first white then
red-brown. I've no desire to see what my head looks like now, since my
jacket looked (at last check) really old. An issue with the bedding is
its on the ground, and it feels cold & damp. I'm grateful to God I'm
here in one piece. I hope to learn just why I'm here at this time.
I'll check in later if I can.

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Friday, November 20, 2009


Today's been one of those days. First, woke up to a really cold
morning. I had the distinct feeling that someone left the deep freezer
in heaven open & shoved us in. Kept trying to put off my shower this
morning, but ended up doing so since I needed to get the financial
report to be presented at today's CD meeting printed & copied.
Got to the place I usually print, but it was locked. After waiting for
over 30 minutes, went looking elsewhere. Found a place, but their
generator didn't start. Went back to the first place, and met the
acting CLO there & the owner trying to start the generator. By that
time, my patience had already gone (as Rudyard Kipling wrote) where
dead crabs go, since it implied I wouldn't make it back to Party House
in time to wash dishes, prepare & have breakfast. If I only knew.
When I got back to Party House, I just dropped off the pasta I bought
earlier & went to bother A, who was playing Scrabble at the time.
While I'm on the subject, can someone please explain this 'live S'
stuff I keep hearing? M & I told A to play 'metes', and S said because
the dictionary didn't have 'metes' in the definition for 'mete', it
shouldn't have been allowed. In my opinion, since 'mete' is a
transitive verb, how would one use it for the third person in present
tense? Let someone tell me that.
CD today was (expectedly) very long & tiresome, since the financial
report of the batch B & C welcome & send-forth programmes was
presented, and there was a deficit. Plus, we got into a big to-do over
the standing orders of the house. Personally, I don't get how
graduates of institutions of higher learning in Nigeria don't know
what a budget is, or what it represents.
At long last, the ordeal that passed for a CD meeting came to an end
after almost 4 hours. After finally cleaning up, I prepared lunch,
ate, and debated whether or not to go to Gusau. I finally decided to
go, chiefly because Reflector was giving me grief, and I have never
gotten to browse in the only 'cybercafe' we have in Tsafe. Big
mistake. Talk about download speeds of less than 1kB/s. Reflector is
less than 1.5MB, but it took almost the whole hour to download.
Ah well. All's well that ends in the well

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Tuesday, November 17, 2009


It's gotten cold again. And dusty. Very dusty. I need to remember to
get one of those surgical masks or I'll soon be containing enough dust
to build my own house.
It's been fun, but I fear that I've been had. I was sold snake oil. Or
why else would I feel so empty & act so ineffectively? I'm looking for
a way out. Not particularly from this location in a geographical
sense, but a ladder or rope out of this rut. I still look good on the
outside, but it's a matter of time before people find out that the
legs of the corpse I buried are sticking out, as a certain friend
would say.
Not sure what exactly I'm afraid of. If it's fear of being labelled
'weird', I thought I'd given up ever being thought 'normal'. Maybe
it's men's approval I seek so much as to risk the opposite from God.
Or pleasure. Whatever it is, I can no longer suppress the 'ache' I
'feel' as it were. Bruce Wilkerson, in his book 'Secrets of the Vine',
talks about God disciplining branches that don't bear fruit. I'll
suggest you read the book yourself.
Need to go shower, but the wind's blowing. Maybe I'll skip that till
later when conditions are more favorable (tried to remember the last
time I used warm water for a shower, and drew a blank. Probably not in
the last 6 months or even longer. It's never been a habit).
I pity the C batch in camp. They - like us here in Party House - are
pretty much exposed to the air for showers. And they look generally
like a milk-and-water lot. Exceptions abound, but quite a number acted
like students still in school when I was exposed to them in Party
House. Time will reveal if they're made of sterner stuff or lack
backbone, as it does all men. Need to get up *NOW*, even though I
don't feel like it. Off to school again.
Odd that of all things to teach me about doing the right things, it
should be a game. Or maybe not. The last time I played a game, I
played levels 1 through 5, before getting a 'game over' in level 5,
with a score of 11000+. After learning *one thing* about the game, I
played from level 1 to 3, getting a game over in level 3, with a score
of 19000+. Same game. Same difficulty setting. Less time. More
results. It's going to be work working this out, but work can be very
profitable, as I learned from reading 'The Richest Man in Babylon'
last night.
Had a blast last night while there was power. Everyone left me in the
room, so I first started out with Ys: The Ark of Napishtim, then
switched to anime soundtracks & writing code. Found my copy of .NET
Reflector won't run anymore without an update. If anyone can tell me a
way to stop this, please let me know. I *need* Reflector working. It's
one of the greatest tools I know for working on .NET. I feel crippled
without a copy. I want to use ActiveRecord with LINQ (read:
LinqBridge, since it's .NET 2.0), and the lack of Reflector makes it
difficult to grok the LINQ extensions to ActiveRecord. Anyhow, it's
late now. Gotta go to sleep so I can think properly about some design
decisions I need to make. G'night

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Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Hit the wall

Woke up this morning by the alarm on my watch. First time in about a
week. Sleeping on my own does have its advantages.
Thinking about W. I should stop using my head to figure out things &
pray for direction. Apparently, I've gotten emotionally attached to
her to some level. And I'm trying to break loose before I give the
wrong impression.
I've heard when a woman loves a man romantically, she can give
anything to him, do anything for him (people always talk about when a
man is smitten - they should see when a woman is!). Being given that
awesome power is a huge responsibility - if you're willing to act like
a *real* man.
I've heard so much on what being a 'real' man is. One description I
personally like is 'taking responsibility'. For his life, for his
family, for the level of impact he has...and more. And I want to
believe most men know instinctively (for lack of a better word/phrase)
that you (are to) love your woman. You take care of her. You become
her refuge when the going gets tough. Her best friend. Her support
system. Her safety net & armor. You're to give yourself & all you are
to & for her. Your time, money, effort. Your strength of character
(unfortunately, so lacking these days). Your patience. You can't give
up & quit on her. Your commitment. Whatever you don't have that she
needs, you go out to get, because she's your garden. And your job is
to ensure she is radiant & blooming, whatever it costs you - to your
very life. This is a part of my definition of love. It truly (as I see
it, anyway) is an awesome responsibility. And this is why so many men
shy from commitment instinctively. They realize this in their bones,
if you will, and decide that they're incapable of following through.
Even if a man does make a commitment, he's either shut this out of his
mind or is really hoping to be able to follow through. At least it's
what I think.
So I'm hesitant to come out to say I love W. She's built to respond to
sweet words, attention & time - to some degree at least. If I cause
her to turn over her heart (not her blood pump or spirit) to me, then
I must be willing to do whatever it takes to love her. To tell the
truth, I'm incapable of being all that to her. I'm scared shitless of
needing to be all that to her & not measuring up. I want to do right
by this young lady. Maybe this is the real reason I'm yet to get into
a relationship. I've set apparently unrealistic goals for myself, and
am now afraid I'll fail. And something men hate greatly is failing.
It's almost unforgiveable. This is where I stand. What do you think?
Have to go get ready to run around this morning from my PPA to the
LGO's and back if need be. So I need to get to school earlier than
I've been doing. So I'll drop by later.
I'd appreciate someone mailing me price listings of GSM providers'
mobile internet offerings, including bandwidth limits, setup costs &
subscription costs. I might be needing my own internet link & want to
make an informed decision. No attachments please. It's troublesome, I
know, but maybe I'm worth it? Later. I'll just pray about the previous
matter & refuse to be in a hurry. No sense making a wrong decision
because I was hasty. I will hear from God, and I will obey. So I'm
disconnecting myself from the whole sitch. No weighted votes ;)

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Tuesday, November 10, 2009


I remember seeing the moon out as late as 9.00am on Saturday. Odd.
Anyway, today's been a rather unusual day. We didn't get water
yesterday, and that meant we needed to get water this morning.
Considering the earliest we could start looking for water was 7.00am,
there was a good chance of missing my first class today. A, M & I went
out with the kegs, and wanted to go to the local government tap, but
we decided to try GSS first. We found a long queue there. S said he'd
had it with his business venture, and would leave for Gusau this
morning. I was going to show my joy at getting my bed to myself again,
but his phone was moved last night, so it would not have been
A & I got into a discussion about whether telling people to abstain
from sexual intercourse, then saying they should use a condom if they
couldn't wait was promoting immorality or not. He was a nay, I was an
aye. He maintained that most people would rather have sex now than
wait. I said, essentially that most men rise only to the barest
minimum expected of them. If they can get away with something, they
will. But if more is demanded of them, if they are exposed to a higher
level, very few will willingly want to do less. I don't think that
trying to enforce abstinence will work, but that if we're going to
deal major blows on STI infection rates, teen pregnancy, children born
out of wedlock, and everything born out of extramarital sex, we are
going to have to raise our expectations of people somehow, and make
abstinence & faithfulness praiseworthy, 'hip' and 'in'. We did, once.
Before the Hollywood-propounded myths of free love & sex without
commitment were offered to us wholesale, and we ate them hook, line,
sinker, fisherman, rod, boat & lake.
Missed my first class, but maybe I shouldn't have bothered showing up
at all. I was keenly aware of the language barrier today. Though it
was funny when one of the class 4 girls started crying when her
classmate 'married' her off to S.
Walked home with W today. S split up early. Glad she's up & about now.
She's a lovely young lady, imho, but talking with her today, I'm more
certain she isn't my type, and glad I didn't act on impulse when I
returned from home. W, on the other hand, is more my type, but I
absolutely refuse to be pressured into a decision.
Pretty much every male human has a knight in shining armor complex.
Apparently, smart females all over the world have caught on & used (or
at least tried to use) said fact to their advantage. Case in point: a
lady asked one of my roommates to get her a torch because she wanted
to read a novel.
Had a friend come in today, we got talking & I've got more interested
in my own life & finding ways to solve problems for people at a price.
I do have this feeling that it's due to *his* prayers that we had that
conversation. Kinda pisses me off though. One of the class 4 boys was
seated on the same bench with not one, but *two* girls. Right between
both of them. First time since I got to Zm.
Should go to sleep now. Guys in the next room are arguing over the CD
clubs & I've heard my name tossed about. Probably has something to do
with the fact that I was engineered out of the Road Safety club & into
the Infotech club. The RS club C-in-C is threatening that come
Thursday, I'll be joining them. I think I'll just go to sleep. Doesn't
really matter either way. I merely don't want to be another pawn in
the giant mindless machine that is NYSC. I'd like to do something
worthwhile if possible.

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Sunday, November 08, 2009


I feel depressed. I was faced with something about myself that isn't
good - a major character flaw, and that's knocked the wind out of my
sails. So forgive the melancholy tone of today's post.
Humans are basically need-driven creatures. Some people rise above
this, but the vast majority of people, by & large, fall into this box
for most of their lives. Take me, for instance. I like X, because I
need companionship & a long-term 'someone' of the opposite sex who's
'my very own' (not to mention that she looks great & is smart -
definite major pluses). But X is a smart, classy lady doing great for
herself, so she doesn't really give me the time of day (by the way,
this is a true story. Mine. From the distant past. And stop guessing),
because she doesn't need me. So we have a quandary. I, from
need-propelled wants, want to be in a relationship, but she doesn't
need me. So I need to try to sell myself to her (do I really need to
say that I botched it? I was hardly a blip on her radar: "I came to
tell you I love you, would do anything for you & want to be with you
forever" "that's nice, dear <head pat>. Please shut the door on your
way out" It didn't really happen that way, but the evoked feelings
would probably be much the same). And with that one requirement, as we
say here, she don fall my hand. One of my friends once said it seemed
to him that women liked the idea of me. I'm currently wondering if the
idea of a guy who has so far sucked at selling himself is so amusing
to them. I think it is. As an example, I met a lady during camp, and
we exchanged numbers. Apparently she lost her phone, and since then,
has given a friend her number twice, for me. Both numbers were
unavailable on the networks they would have been on (had they
existed). I don't think it's funny, but apparently someone else is
I've finally downed my dinner of fried plantain, spaghetti, fish stew,
egusi soup & fish. No, I'm not living the life. I don't call 4+ hours
cooking & finding a cut you don't remember inflicting on your little
finger 'the life'. You might.
Well, I'm finally sleepy. So maybe when I wake up, I'll feel better. Later

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Saturday, November 07, 2009


The people here are crazy. Or that's my explanation. On Sunday, saw a
basin full of live scorpions in the market. Why were there live
scorpions in the basin? And why weren't the scorpions tearing each
other apart (after copulation, female praying mantises tear off the
male's head. At least some spiders do something similar, & I'm
inclined to believe scorpions don't love each other more. Well, maybe
they do. Washed down with scorpion body fluids). And a live porcupine,
Camp's been going on, with the attendant annoyances. Someone lifted my
water yesterday. And I'm sharing my bed. It's uncomfortable to say the
least. Was looking for my 'good' phone battery & had to wait till S
got up to find it (don't ask).
A & M seem determined to prove something going on between W & I,
specifically on my side. Personally, I admit I like W. She's
attractive, smart & from all the time I've spent with her, she appears
to be a woman of substance, inside & out. It's just that nothing's
going on, plus I think some lucky dude got his application approved.
So I'm just friends with her, despite what A & M think.
I've no idea how I've so far always managed to end up in the friend
zone. I've this lovely friend I'd had my eye on for a while, and we
got separated before I got the courage to ask her out. Somehow, even
though we met up again, I'm in the Zone. And it really pisses me off.
Been the story of my life. Either I got disinterested, or I really
messed things up.
Today, I want to appreciate my parents for my upbringing. I didn't
always get what I wanted, but I got some of the most important things,
like seeing my dad love my mom, getting disciplined by both my
parents, my schooling, and other things. They may not have been the
best parents in the world, but they did a great job (try raising a
knucklehead type like me & see how you do). You rock, Dad! Love you!
Appreciate your important people while they're around. My mom's passed
on, and while I didn't turn out as well as might be expected, I'm not
that bad.
Excuse the lack of techie posts on this blog. I've not done any techie
stuff in a while. Been watching anime & movies (about a third through
Gurren Lagann - I can see why some friends have been making noise
about it).
Well, this post's about done. God's been good, and that's that. He

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Wednesday, November 04, 2009


It's almost 10pm, and I'm sleepy, so I've no idea how this one's gonna go.
I net someone through this blog. That's right. Apparently, Googlebots
(or Yahoobots, if you will) led someone posted here to Zamfara state
to this here blog, and said person found my email (Google!) and
contacted me. We dallied about a bit, and he's now on camp. Seems like
a pretty decent fellow. I've no idea if (or how) we'll stay in touch
after camp.
Ah, camp. The thought brings memories of weeding patches with a hoe,
and aching muscles. And noise. Lots of noise. And lots of people,
prospective corps members and otherwise, some of the former who from
their behaviour should have never entered, let alone left, the four
walls of the institution from which they graduated. I still find it
hard to believe that on Tuesday before 4am, they were queueing in
front of the school used as the temporary camp & its administrative
headquarters. In the blistering cold. That's right folks. Harmattan
has come to Tsafe, and boy, taking showers in the morning before going
to school is not work for a lazy man, as my people would say. Guys in
Party House don't have toilet facilities, so we take showers outside &
'shot-put' (if you're ignorant, may you remain in blissful ignorance).
Hence, for the past few days I've been doing delay tactics when it
comes to showers in the morning. Not that I'm really successful with
them, since I still need to get to my PPA before 8 most days.
Seems like the power company has moved our supply period from about
4pm to about 8pm. The timing is still inconvenient, since while the
camp lasts, NCCF has meetings from 6pm everyday. Still, it's
something, and I'm grateful that we have any at all. The guys living
in the local government housing have none (their transformer has
W's around for this camp again (met her during my own camp). Currently
trying to kill my attraction to her (finally got her digits due to a
bunch of things - methinks that's not a very effective way of killing
emotions). Anyway, need to treat some mess ups over XtraCool tonight,
so it's beddie-byes for now. Later

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