Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Hit the wall

Woke up this morning by the alarm on my watch. First time in about a
week. Sleeping on my own does have its advantages.
Thinking about W. I should stop using my head to figure out things &
pray for direction. Apparently, I've gotten emotionally attached to
her to some level. And I'm trying to break loose before I give the
wrong impression.
I've heard when a woman loves a man romantically, she can give
anything to him, do anything for him (people always talk about when a
man is smitten - they should see when a woman is!). Being given that
awesome power is a huge responsibility - if you're willing to act like
a *real* man.
I've heard so much on what being a 'real' man is. One description I
personally like is 'taking responsibility'. For his life, for his
family, for the level of impact he has...and more. And I want to
believe most men know instinctively (for lack of a better word/phrase)
that you (are to) love your woman. You take care of her. You become
her refuge when the going gets tough. Her best friend. Her support
system. Her safety net & armor. You're to give yourself & all you are
to & for her. Your time, money, effort. Your strength of character
(unfortunately, so lacking these days). Your patience. You can't give
up & quit on her. Your commitment. Whatever you don't have that she
needs, you go out to get, because she's your garden. And your job is
to ensure she is radiant & blooming, whatever it costs you - to your
very life. This is a part of my definition of love. It truly (as I see
it, anyway) is an awesome responsibility. And this is why so many men
shy from commitment instinctively. They realize this in their bones,
if you will, and decide that they're incapable of following through.
Even if a man does make a commitment, he's either shut this out of his
mind or is really hoping to be able to follow through. At least it's
what I think.
So I'm hesitant to come out to say I love W. She's built to respond to
sweet words, attention & time - to some degree at least. If I cause
her to turn over her heart (not her blood pump or spirit) to me, then
I must be willing to do whatever it takes to love her. To tell the
truth, I'm incapable of being all that to her. I'm scared shitless of
needing to be all that to her & not measuring up. I want to do right
by this young lady. Maybe this is the real reason I'm yet to get into
a relationship. I've set apparently unrealistic goals for myself, and
am now afraid I'll fail. And something men hate greatly is failing.
It's almost unforgiveable. This is where I stand. What do you think?
Have to go get ready to run around this morning from my PPA to the
LGO's and back if need be. So I need to get to school earlier than
I've been doing. So I'll drop by later.
I'd appreciate someone mailing me price listings of GSM providers'
mobile internet offerings, including bandwidth limits, setup costs &
subscription costs. I might be needing my own internet link & want to
make an informed decision. No attachments please. It's troublesome, I
know, but maybe I'm worth it? Later. I'll just pray about the previous
matter & refuse to be in a hurry. No sense making a wrong decision
because I was hasty. I will hear from God, and I will obey. So I'm
disconnecting myself from the whole sitch. No weighted votes ;)

Sent from my mobile device

1 comment:

'Tosin Oyelese said...

Broda, I feel you much. I just dey freelance about ni temi ni o. But not to worry, He is ever faithful and that we can always count on!