Sunday, January 21, 2007

love...why does it seem so hard?

i read an instant message between a guy and a girl, and my heart went out to the girl. here the guy was, trying to milk money out of her, and she just wanted someone to make her feel special. no, i'm not absolving her of blame, but i can understand. because i'm human. because i've felt it too. the ache. times i have passed a couple and i wish i were him. we're created to feel wanted by someone of the opposite sex. it's natural.

the problem occurs when we let the desire for relevance run uncontrolled. there are so many women who would rather not have sex, but to satisfy the man in their life, they submit themselves unwillingly to sex - psychological rape, i call it. many men empty their bank accounts just to make a woman happy. there are so many stories of people who take things from their loved ones that they wouldn't take from anyone else…people losing respect, people selling their values for a fleeting satisfaction. and it makes me sad.

i'm not immune. i put up a brave front, saying things like, "women are irritating", or "women are troublesome", or the latest: "when most women run their configuration wizards, they seem to almost always check the 'Be Troublesome' checkbox". but like everyone else, i just want to love someone and be loved by them. sometimes i just want someone to hug me and the feeling can sometimes be so intense, it scares me. and that's one problem with many people: they are scared about the depth of longing for relevance. it won't be satisfied with one or many flings. there's a deep-seated cry in each of us to love and be loved. the writer of the book of Ecclesiastes in the Bible put it well when he said that God had "…put eternity in the hearts of men."

if God put it there, then nothing in this world will ever satisfy that longing. i know. i got so mixed up that at one time in my life i had a list of almost ten women i had different levels of non-negligible attraction to. d-uh! i can't be with all of them, can i? so i stayed away, using my mind and wit as both a shield and a weapon of offense. but i tired of it. i wounded people i cared for, simply because i couldn't handle it. it hasn't stopped in a sense, but i have changed in one simple way: instead of trying to give myself excuses for not being in a romantic relationship and trying to explain away the attraction i felt for someone, i faced it. i began to believe that i am a desirable and attractive young man (i still need to learn the secret arts of cosmetics usage), and that even though i was attracted to people, i didn't have to excuse it away - or do anything about it. yes, i'm self-conscious around such people, but that's about it.
more importantly, i'm beginning to look more to my relationship with God and to myself for my sense of importance. i'm putting a value on myself. i don't need anyone to make me whole but God. and He's not doing a lousy job of it - that much i can tell you. i'm not saying my insecure days are over…but i can look at myself in the mirror and thank God for the day He created me - someone else is going to, someday very soon do the very same thing! and ladies, hands off - this dude is expensive stuff! it took a human life to buy me - so nothing less will do for the rental value! sayonara!

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